


Keep Going

by SnowMoonyx



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Drabble (sort of), Gay Character, Gen, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Scandal, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 19:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11812674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowMoonyx/pseuds/SnowMoonyx
Summary: Youngbin had done something stupid. Seriously, fucking stupid. He was freaking out, hiding in the dance studio, wanting to hide from the world. How would he be able to go on, knowing fully that he had ruined everything for his team?





	Keep Going

He couldn't hear his own thoughts. He  _couldn't._

_'They hate y-_

Youngbin lounged for the stereo and turned the music up a couple notches. It blasted out of the speakers, drowning him in sounds and shutting out pretty much everything. He didn't want the hear his own mind.

_'The CEO wanted to talk to you tomorrow, said what you did was unf-_

Turn. Take one step, two. Focus on the dance,  _only_ the dance. He wouldn't think about it. He  _couldn't_ think about it. It had been a mistake, a mistake which only worsened the longer he ignored it, but he didn't know what else to do. How would things go back to being okay now?

A  _pling!_ from his phone dragged him out of the string of thoughts. He felt the sweat run down his neck, but not only from the harsh practice. It could be anyone. It could be the CEO, telling him to pack his bags and get the fuck away, he wouldn't even walk down to the practice room because he just wasn't  _worth it_ , it could be his parents telling him he had no place at home anymore, it could be his brothers expressing their disgust, it could be any of the members saying how much they  _hated_ him...

So he ignored the phone. Again.  _Get back to the music. Practice, don't think about stopping._ Everything he did had to be flawless if he ever had a hope of covering up the scandal, every move had to be sharp and perfect. Even if it might be close to impossible he still couldn't afford to even  _think_ about what would happen if he messed up anymore. So he just kept going.  _Don't ever stop._

Youngbin ignored every buzz of his phone, ignored it every time his ringtone set off, just let it lay as a constant reminder to keep pushing on. Every time he was short on breath and felt like giving up it would  _pling_ again, and he'd keep going.  _Turn once more_. Even when the sweat poured from his body like a constant waterfall he kept going.  _Take another flip_. Even when the mirrors in the room got cloudy and damp he kept going. _Two steps to the left, cross your legs_. Even when his chest heaved and ached and his head got dizzy from lack of oxygen  _he kept going_ , because there wasn't a choice for him anymore. He couldn't stop. There was no room for it.

So he kept practicing, he kept going until his shaky knees finally buckled under him, he kept going until his body fell to the floor, he kept going until he just couldn't anymore. When he finally collapsed on arms and knees everything spun, and his chest hurt, it  _hurt so bad_  and the strain on him was too large and it felt like he was  _suffocating._ He tasted the metallic scent of blood on his tongue and his throat burned with every single gasping breath. Time after time he tried to get up, tried to keep going but his body simply wouldn't  _listen_. His feet kept slipping beneath him every time he tried to stand, bruising his knees and scraping them up. In the end he gave up, turning around to lay down on the floor with his arms spread out by his sides. As his chest rose and fell in quick succession he couldn't help it. When he heard his phone ring once more he finally let it out. Closing his eyes, salty tears ran down his cheeks and the sobs that pressed out of his lips were loud and uncaring. He lifted his arms to press them harshly against his eyes, trying to hide from the world. He cried, just cried so much that he didn't hear the footsteps outside the door, didn't hear it slam open, didn't hear the people until they were right beside him.

A hand barely touched his shoulder. "Hyung?" The sweet voice was definitely Jaeyoon's, but why was it so soft? Shouldn't it be harsh and angry? "Hyung, please don't cry."

He didn't dare react. Perhaps this was a hallucination. Yeah, it had to be. After what he had confessed he didn't deserve anything like this.

Then lean limbs were wrapped around his waist and he was dragged up to a sitting position, his arms forced to fall. He didn't want to look but when his eyes flickered open he could stare right into Inseong's brown orbs. Youngbin didn't understand the gentle expression on his face, couldn't see why the other looked so worried. He could definitely  _not_ comprehend why Inseong dragged him into a careful hug.

"Hey, Yungban, it's going to be okay," he promised, and Youngbin was dumbstruck. Why wasn't he yelling? Why was his voice so soothing?

"Why don't you hate me?" he was suddenly asking, voice defeated and broken. The other ended up stiffening and he heard Jaeyoon draw a sharp breath.

"Hyung, we could never hate you."

Youngbin closed his eyes again, a few more tears silently making their way down his face. "But how could you not? I said on national television that I am gay! I've probably ruined our image for good! Why aren't you disgusted with me? Everyone worked so hard and I've managed to destroy it all with one comment!"

"Hey now, that's taking it a bit too far." Inseong rubbed Youngbin's back gently as the younger hiccuped, struggling to keep calm. "You didn't ruin anything."

Youngbin gave a harsh laugh. "How can you say that? With a homosexual member in the group no one would want to support us anymore!"

Jaeyoon frowned. "Hyung, there are gay celebrities all over the world. We even have one here in Korea, remember? Hong Seokchun-sunbaenim. He's quite famous."

"Yeah, but do you know all the hardships he went through after confessing? As far as I've heard his parents are still not accepting him! He fought so hard to get back to the top, but at least he didn't ruin everything for everyone else!"

Inseong sighed and pushed Youngbin back from the hug so that both him and Jaeyoon could look at him. The latter reached forward and gently held his face with one hand, carefully using his thumb to wipe away tears as the frown between his eyebrows deepened.

"Why are you so certain you've ruined everything?"

Youngbin lifted a hand up to Jaeyoon's, covering it and leaning into the warmth, desperate for the small comfort it provided. "How could I not have? It's not like this country is any supportive of homosexuals."

"...Hyung, have you even looked at social media at all?"

Youngbin shook his head, looking down. "I haven't checked my phone since I got here. I-I was scared you'd want to kick me out of the group or something."

Inseong's expression fell. "Binnie... There's no way any of us would want that. We all love you as you are, you know that right?"

Youngbin moved away from Jaeyoon's reach and bowed his head, clasping his hands behind his neck. "B-but... How can you be so sure? What if everyone else hates me? Wouldn't everyone be disgusted l-like Seokwoo, a-and Chanhee, and Sanghyuk and Youngkyun an-"

"I'm going to stop you right there." Jaeyoon's voice was seldom used in a harsh manner, but desperate times call for desperate measures. "You're giving them way too little credit, you know? Sure, they were quite surprised and I'm not going to lie here, a few of them were probably repelled at first. But that's almost a given! In this country you're fed up from you're born with stereotypes- girls should do this, boys should do that, and one from each gender should be paired together and get children. It's the norm, like it or not. But someone has to stand up and say that this is wrong, that boys can be with boys and that girls can be with girls. Several other countries have already legalized same-sex marriage, and although it's not much of that here in Asia there's still homosexuals and everything. We can't act like they don't exist. That's why we desperately need a break-through, and the others are fine with that. They just needed a bit of time to accept it at first, but they're all okay with it now. In fact, they're all against you having to play it off as a joke of something. They want you to have that freedom, even if it might ruin our image a bit. After all, there's nothing in our contracts that specifies that we can't be gay and open about it, probably because they never expect us to be but still. We all love you, hyung, and they're all so worried about you. Please don't be so certain that you lost the fight before it even began."

Youngbin removed the hands from his neck, and lifted his head slowly. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "A-are you serious? Why would you guys do that? I'm sure we've lost a lot of fans already, a-and there's probably going to be more if I'm gonna be  _open_  about it. Are you really sure you'd let that happen? Just for me?"

Inseong sighed. "First of all, 'just for you' isn't only  _just_. We all know how much you've been sacrificing for the team, and we gotta repay that, somehow. And secondly, you haven't heard the best part yet. You said you didn't check any social media? Well, maybe you should. I'd recommend twitter, and you should definitely check the hashtags. The fancafe is a good place too. Just don't get too hung up in the negative comments, alright?"

Youngbin paled. "B-but wouldn't all of them be negative? Wh-why would I want to r-read them?"

"C'mon, when have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? I promise you, it's not the end of the world. Just check already." Inseong was smiling gently at him, and Jaeyoon was mirroring him, already handing the phone over.

Youngbin hesitated. Suddenly he was second-guessing everything that had happened the last few minutes. Was Inseong and Jaeyoon really there to make him feel better, or was all of it a really evil plan to make him feel even worse when he realized half of Korea probably was repelled by him?

 _No. Don't think like that._ He'd get nowhere doubting his very own members. The two others had been nothing but sweet and kind, so why they would lie now was just beyond him. With a hardened resolve he finally took the phone from Jaeyoon.

The screen was littered with notifications.  _Twelve missed calls. Thirty-two unread messages_. With trembling fingers he tried to unlock it, and failed the first two times. At his third attempt he finally managed to open the phone. He stole a quick glance up at the others who still sported their smiles. Youngbin felt his heart clench at the sight of them being so nice to him, and hastily looked back down at the phone. With his shaky index finger he pressed the twitter icon to get onto his private account. Swallowing nervously he searched for SF9 and clicked on the icon to their account. Gathering up whatever courage he had left he tapped at their most recent post that he couldn't remember seeing before. It read ' _Thank you for all support. Fantasies, we love you <3'_. It was pretty basic, but still new.

Scrolling down the comments he felt his eyes widen. Here and there he spotted a few comments ranging from a mild ' _eww, i'm unstanning this group'_ to a harsher ' _shouldn't he just kill himself or something, what a faggot'_. Of course those comments stung quite a lot, but the wounds left by them were almost immediately healed when he saw... everything else. It was amazing. So many tweets were out there supporting him, and there weren't few times he saw ' _i still love you , youngbin'_ and ' _i'm so proud of him coming out'._

He could feel tears prickle at the corners of his eyes, but this time it wasn't because of frustration and sadness.

"Do you see them? The tweets, I mean." Jaeyoon's voice was almost a hushed whisper, unwillig to break the silent tranquil that had fallen over Youngbin.

The leader nodded. "Y-yeah. I-I can't believe it." His voice cracked in the middle, but Inseong sent him a knowing stare.

"Our fantasies are great, right? Have you checked the trending hashtags yet?"

Youngbin shook his head slowly, still amazed by the large amount of support.

Inseong grinned. "Do it."

Youngbin didn't want to leave the comments that supported him, but he still did what his elder told him to. Quietly tapping at his phone he found himself at the page of korean trends, and was left speechless once more. There, among the tags, he saw his own name. And he couldn't quite believe what the tags read.

'# _Youngbin_We_Love_You_ ' &  _#Forever_SF9's_Leader'_. In addition there was another Korean tag, which couldn't be meant for another situation. It was; ' _#We_Support_Gay_Idols'._

Inseong leaned over, pointing at another tag in another category as he spoke quietly. "Look, this one is in English. It means the same, only in another language."

Jaeyoon grinned. "See, hyung? Everyone loves you, and I swear, our fancafé has almost doubled or something. We got more people coming to us than fantasies leaving. Stop worrying! You did absolutely nothing wrong!"

Youngbin pressed a shaky hand to his mouth. He'd never expected something like...  _This._ It was amazing. The support surpassed anything he ever would have the guts to imagine. And knowing that he hadn't ruined anything for the group... That was the best of all. He had worried so much that he just had destroyed all their hard work, and he was afraid that the others never would forgive him.

He threw his arms around Inseong and Jaeyoon. Youngbin didn't say anything at first, yet they both seemed to understand him. At the moment they represented the members and their fantasies, and Youngbin only wanted to tell them one thing. After shaking and sobbing (in joy, this time he was  _happy_ ) he finally spoke up, voice raw and shaky but full of honesty, love and appreciation. "Th-thank you, thank you so so much!"

Inseong grinned, and both him and Jaeyoon held tightly around Youngbin, cherishing the feel of their happy leader.

"Always."

**Author's Note:**

> Yes Hello I don't know why but I just felt like something angsty. Cue mentally hurting my bias. Whoops.  
> (I know this is far from realistic but you ain't gonna see me making half of Korea hating this sunshine.)  
> <3


End file.
